Email concerning the safe use of Easter eggs

Hello everyone,

After the incident with the Crème Egg and Preeti’s head this morning, Adam (our Health & Safety Officer) is working on a health and safety guide for eggs in the office which will be issued in due course. This will specify the dimensions, shell density, and viscosity of contents for the full range of eggs permitted for airborne delivery, if any, with the appropriate trajectories and launch speeds.

In the interim, please note that it is not company policy to throw Crème Eggs at Preeti. If you want to throw a Crème Egg, but not at Preeti, please apply in writing to Adam, who will decide whether to issue an interim certificate approving your application and specifying an appropriate time slot. This will be when no-one else is planning to throw a Crème Egg, which might otherwise cause a mid-air collision sending eggs and/or debris in unexpected directions (possibly hitting Preeti). If he feels that you have legitimate grounds for throwing an egg, but are not sufficiently qualified in accurate aiming, he may first decide to send you on an appropriate course to acquire the necessary skills. All applications to throw Crème Eggs at Preeti will be refused. Eggs larger than 5” in diameter must be rolled across the floor.

You can avoid all these issues by simply eating the eggs instead of throwing them. Some lightweight practice eggs have been placed on Adam’s desk so you can work on this.

Please refer to Adam for further clarification.